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Literature Text
There is a place,
in the back of our hearts,
where all our dreams
bloom like roses in May.
In that secret garden
of hopes and reveries
I will forever remember you
and forever say
"I love you".
in the back of our hearts,
where all our dreams
bloom like roses in May.
In that secret garden
of hopes and reveries
I will forever remember you
and forever say
"I love you".
The only oroscope that always revealed to be profetic said today that I should take inspiration from the part in Peter Pan where it says: "You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan." and say something like that to someone important to me.
Well, here it is. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you.
P.S. First stanza is 4-6-4-6. The rest is completely free as the feelings of each of us in our secret gardens
Well, here it is. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you.
P.S. First stanza is 4-6-4-6. The rest is completely free as the feelings of each of us in our secret gardens
© 2013 - 2024 raen86
Comments11
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Hello! This is a critique for 
--please keep in mind that these are just my opinions. Any changes you make to this, if you make them, should be what you, as the artist, want to do.
The rhythm of the first stanza is exquisitely beautiful, and rolls off the tongue so, so well. The imagery there is also lovely, and left a lot of different things for me to chew on and ponder, which is excellent! Nice work on that!
I think, though, that if you are going to start off with a set syllable count, you should consider carrying that throughout the piece--the change from a set meter to a free one was a little disorienting to me, and made the second half of this piece seem a bit lopsided in comparison.
Also, the repetition of "forever" threw off my reading as well--I think it might be beneficial if you took one of them out. It would read more smoothly, and wouldn't be so jarring for your readers.
Nice work overall on this, though! Lovely piece.
--please keep in mind that these are just my opinions. Any changes you make to this, if you make them, should be what you, as the artist, want to do.The rhythm of the first stanza is exquisitely beautiful, and rolls off the tongue so, so well. The imagery there is also lovely, and left a lot of different things for me to chew on and ponder, which is excellent! Nice work on that!
I think, though, that if you are going to start off with a set syllable count, you should consider carrying that throughout the piece--the change from a set meter to a free one was a little disorienting to me, and made the second half of this piece seem a bit lopsided in comparison.
Also, the repetition of "forever" threw off my reading as well--I think it might be beneficial if you took one of them out. It would read more smoothly, and wouldn't be so jarring for your readers.
Nice work overall on this, though! Lovely piece.